spin cycle (2/2005)

(doing the wash)

i see shadows of you most days
projections of fear and longing
a simulacrum at twenty paces
the shape approaching
roughly your size, your clothes
half the time it is a young man instead
the women, inaccurate copies

outside the dark sweat of dancing
i remember the first afternoon
my vague disappointment
you seemed so plain
it was a trick, shadow play
as loss and discard will dance visions before us
so does desire, giving my guard a sleeping draught

i lost in the aching bow of your mouth
in eyes smoldering with want and the surety
of painful disentangling
red flags blown over by the pride of seduction
in your little room, my sala,
for a moment it was warm electric

now, what is worst
helpless awkward final farewell
eroding sincerity as each tries
to smash the mirror in the other
what, in you, i now despise
care turns around to reveal
the rotted side of this fruit and feasting
and i can claim no innocence

i am implicated by you
publicly
maliciously
in defensive struggles for distance
from my shameless defects of character
the unappealing aspects of my personality

i consider this long and late
slowly the roiling anger
is washed away by an endless stream of surrender
your criticism begs my question

in all of this
where were you?