disappear

and there
i caught the glint of our unraveling
antagonistic phantom
of threadbare love
overwhelming the space
between our words
as we explore our lexicon of
subtle eye movements
breathing
searching

elephant in the room
inserts herself into our present
making it difficult
to navigate
my chafing anger & your tears
your strength & my surrender

you recount the exchange
i hold you. i listen.
and we soften together
choose a new response
for this exasperating invitation
to react
to make scenes
to play movies of who we are
instead of just
being
together

i feel impotent in my desire to protect you
from this absence of tenderness
assaults on your boundaries
an utter failure of compassion

i hold you closer
breathe you in
savor the sweetness of your presence
listen to your quiet voice
as i grow sleepy

and let
her


disappear

last walk

and then one day
all the locust trees on the next block
had turned yellow
my last walk with Henry
along these familiar streets
punctuated by the shush brush
of the first fallen leaves

it was the day you moved most of your things
from the apartment we shared

that day

warm and bright
three weeks after I’d left
to live with others

i got sweaty loading the truck with you
after our shirts were already
wet with our tears
time alone will show the difference
between the shame of giving up
and the greatest gift
we can give one another


letting go

like all the golden leaves now
fallen to the walks

103 degrees

mark the time elapsing
by the changing colors of the light
still revealing your gaze
i savor the evidence of our desire
with my thumbs tracing
a path through sweat salt sheen
down your spine
coming to rest
in the dimples at its base

your mouth
sweet mint and lime
holds mine
a willing captive
the late breeze
around your silhouette
under the eaves
is a teasing offer of respite
i am pliant in the half dark

surrendering

naked

spent

push into my tender places
even my bruises accept your caress

hydrophilic

we push the capability of water's
surface tension to over full
in the container of this night
we add drop by hesitant drop
it holds without spilling
slippery fish you dive
to be obscured in the murk of half sleep
i ride the edges of dreams
swallowing hard
anticipation electric
you shift and set a new charge
pulsing through points
reverberating with caution
between the places we touch
i laugh out loud to break
my own surface of pretend calm
my heart beating fast
every breath and gurgling
amplified in my uncertainty
this rippling dark current of desire
flowing fast around my feet and on
and i find myself
so unexpectedly
wet

nothing else will do

my desire for you comes strong tonight
impatiently
feverish
big
compelling the search for desperate substitutions
some filler to quell hunger growing in my gut
as my cunt balls like a fist grasping for you
the scent of my sex
sends up smoke signal memories
of feasting on you
it takes me off guard
as the weeks wear away
my footing and my resolve to let go
this comes roiling to the surface
with all the force of you slapping me in the face
i feel the sting and the heat and the vague nausea
that clings to the edges of all this
of knowing someone else is loving you
feeling deeply irrefutably
it should be me
your gaze knocks out my knees
the curve of your ass makes me whimper and moan
as does the memory of your biting and teasing
tonight i would do my best to earn your punishments and comforts
fuck me daddy
i'll be your good girl
just please...
fuck me again

searching the photograph

i keep searching the photograph of you
for some message
some way out
you've lost weight
look lean
somewhat diminished
i'm trying to walk away and let it all be
but i return like a participant
to the scene of an accident
yet i'm so desperate to avoid you
to go unseen

you found me out
in my dreams this morning
my only focus and desire to not run into you
and there you came along a hallway
no one around us
the space closed at one end
by a door set with star patterned glass
like the old apartment bathroom
faint light came through the panel
the only illumination in that shrinking space
our heads dropped
i could not look through you or
pass without some exchange
i walked toward the door and you tried to speak
muffled words, half remembered now
acknowledging the awkward circumstance
perhaps
i turned, like a child, to face the corner
and closed my eyes and covered my ears

i can't face you
want to shut this out
to move on but leave all
the hooks and lines unmolested
you catch me
trapped again by your gaze
the thought of you
i am not trying to retrace this
to reenact us
to extend violent ends
but as in hysterisis
the removal of you does not
return me to my previous state

perhaps now it is the idea of you
that i keep close and as anger sifts away
there is still desire
quiet and patient, warm
a pale glow like the light in the window
of that hallway door
going through it leads into unknowns
i want to see you    to have the confrontation
of sharing proximity and breath
not to reach for you but to resolve the hurt
the notion is absurd that i won't find 
further hurt and betrayal
always my weak suit
knowing when to walk away or
whether and why you have

looking into puddles (3/06)

there's a jay rifling through the neighbor's hedges
plenty of worms after the rains
they stretch long on the winding walkways to our door

last night we walked along the edge of the preserve
southwest hills across the water lit up like christmas
with clusters of bright homes
the drone of frogs in the marsh a comforting roar
almost loud enough to push aside my lonely thoughts
we inhaled jasmine vine until i felt high and aroused
another flowering tree smelled so much like grape soda
i had to pick a tiny branch and bring it close & inhale again
before i could believe it was the source of that unlikely fragrance
we peered into giant picture windows and commented on unusual plants
you complained about Henry, who could not for the life of him
settle and stop pulling ahead on his leash
with my wrist still hurting so much after moving
i couldn't manage him long enough to be comfort or help in the matter

i have flashes of thinking this time is just until we get established
that i love you but don't want to be your wife
someone out there must be better suited for that

stones (11/06)

still tumbling
in a wash
of your tears
from nights ago
my excuses
rubbed smooth away
this process
may polish me
help loose the glimmer
of my best intentions
to shine in the contours
of my actions
i am learning
the rolling over
in myself
of want and
to recognize want
and let it (r)evolve
to expose need...
to balance these
with respect

notes from the market (11/06)

the strobe pulse of that faulty flourescent
is the between beat for the singing curve of your ass
sweet music written out on the lines of your shirt
i listen to the shape of your calves under denim
too long hair brushed from your eyes whispers a tremolo chorus
your shoes shuffling snare brushes on concrete
raise gooseflesh up my arms, pianissimo
your laughter is the climax of each day's composition
my movements revolve on your smile
i am blushing trying to keep time and pitch
seeing nothing outside the wash of love's spotlights
on you my conductor
demanding nothing less than my passionate engagement

words rise up (10/05)

words catch me out
panting
curious
folding over and over
finding some way in
they bubble up slowly
til I am bursting
how many times must I look up SAXIFRAGE?
i can't imagine ever having done so and yet
here it comes
sifting through the layers
washing away in the shower
until it surfaces
i am awake after 1 am
still wrapped in my towel
with heavy books across my lap
the night kitchen whirs but offers no tea to soothe


saxifrage
any of numerous plants of the genus saxifraga,
of temperate regions, having small flowers and leaves
often forming a basal rosette
also known as "rock breaking herb" becuase it
grows in rock crevices

no maps (1/06)

there was an instance when,
clean shaven, making love with our girl,
i did not recognize your face
in that moment your countenance upset me
leaning forward, returning my gaze
who is this person? this man?
in my bed, in my lover
i was afraid and then
your features rearranged themselves
your expression
once again familiar terrain
my chest relaxed but found no ease
i have looked at you for years
studied your face while you sleep and
in our waking moments together
i find you there
my beloved, more patient and gentle than i can express
my frustrating young man
my friend with the inappropriate humor,
an easy smile and eyes glinting with mischief
my husband whom i choose to walk this path with
even when the way is uncharted and wild
and there are no maps

oh my love (1999, after M. Cadell)

Oh My Love

you are the fun house mirror
the obsession with innumerable distortions
you are worth your weight in quicksand
the futility of whirlwinds throwing up a dust screen
filling the lungs with a vacuum of screams

(oh my love)
you are the deep heat surfacing with
the swish scratch of heavy bargain priced polyester straight leg slacks and
you are the dank slippery recesses of the fault line
splitting your heart into unnamable land forms
of fine ash and embers, of purposeful destruction
you are the dark excess of a scattered mind
and nobody loves you like I do

(oh my love)
you are all torn away layers
like thick drawing paper, smeared, erased and
in full opposition to the outstretched offering --
a clean sheet.

each detail

es cada detalle
esos intrincaciones de intimidad
mi deseo mas futil
pero poder a...
mi mano extendida esta buscando la piel
en cualquier momento yo quisiera
o el sonido del aliento
mientras que yo este mirando tu pecho naciente
durmiendo

it is each detail
those intricacies of closeness
my desire more futile
oh but to be able to...
my hand outstretched seeking skin
whenever I willed
or the sound of breath
while watching the rise of your chest
sleeping
those overlooked delights reserved
for the woman I am not
only the other
blushing hot with the idea
of stealing kisses
contriving to be near you
to feast the eyes and tease a hungry mouth
both of us
walking a fine edge and borrowing time
from the inevitable
crush and accompanying pain
of discovery
our intrigue thrown open
my scarlet letter
earned if not by deed
then ten fold in thought
but it is the detail
not the vulgar possibilities
which keeps me suspended
wanting not to end the burn in my skin
that grows when I hear you say my name
thinking that you are
around each corner I near
walking always in wait
holding until I see you
separated from me by public space or
the task at hand
but still there returning the gaze
which might devour if unleashed
your embraces send fire into my spine
and flood me
restraint relaxing, overcome but cautious
because our lust threatens to engulf us
this longing unexplained
neither of us with the confidence to accept
the other’s desires
but each response building up the next
it is the intricacies
intimate privileges unobtainable
which prick at my conscience
piercing the fantasies
bringing the reality check early this month
still my womb pulses
with only the memory of your brilliant smile

© e.e.stanley 1999

awakening (9/2001)

i open & see the trees
upside down in the sound of
rain behind our creaking bed
lovemaking
yesterday afternoon the image was
brilliant blue behind a sway of
yellowing black walnut leaves
tonight there is dim orange
shadow brown street lit branches
darkened and glistening in
the wet and for this i would
give up many things
the bedside computer with peripherals
new clothes and junk food
dyeing my hair and reading
slick magazines and buying
so much gasoline to get to
work to pay for each of those items
i would exchange all of them
for the fervor of words that
comes while your sounds
become those of sleep
while the crickets sound
even above the noise of the fan
and i give breath to a memory of
counting without numbers many
breaths still holding
onto you still inside me
after our pulling and creaking
and opening and filling
subside into quiet

spin cycle (2/2005)

(doing the wash)

i see shadows of you most days
projections of fear and longing
a simulacrum at twenty paces
the shape approaching
roughly your size, your clothes
half the time it is a young man instead
the women, inaccurate copies

outside the dark sweat of dancing
i remember the first afternoon
my vague disappointment
you seemed so plain
it was a trick, shadow play
as loss and discard will dance visions before us
so does desire, giving my guard a sleeping draught

i lost in the aching bow of your mouth
in eyes smoldering with want and the surety
of painful disentangling
red flags blown over by the pride of seduction
in your little room, my sala,
for a moment it was warm electric

now, what is worst
helpless awkward final farewell
eroding sincerity as each tries
to smash the mirror in the other
what, in you, i now despise
care turns around to reveal
the rotted side of this fruit and feasting
and i can claim no innocence

i am implicated by you
publicly
maliciously
in defensive struggles for distance
from my shameless defects of character
the unappealing aspects of my personality

i consider this long and late
slowly the roiling anger
is washed away by an endless stream of surrender
your criticism begs my question

in all of this
where were you?

the room (1/2005)

how would i deliver a
parting statement this time?
if the door is closing
should I slip a note, on a
pretty card, through the narrowing crack
light gains edges
substance
in its shining stubbornly
past closing boundaries
how can i tell you the
whispered refrain
cycling in each breath
without waiting until
all i'm left is the keyhole
i would kneel, and with all this loss
melting into the floor below,
bring my mouth very close
to that tiny aperture
saying...

thank you for this time together

the crab and the lion (3/2005)

i, arsonist

gingerly eyeing the fuel
i carried here
long mouldering under
deferred desire
expectant i pant
pacing like the little fox
awaiting your arrival

to slowly finger
the matchstick brightness
of your smile
consider this fragile swaying flame
fanned by fluttering eyelashes
or the breathy surrender of logic
unexpectedly delicate
against your strong arms
bearing this up, up the hill
we cannot see beyond

and then when i am shining
and dancing and burning i see
too late what it is that you
have brought along
balanced precariously
until now
your shoulders taxed with the burden
of two great pails of water

hysterisis (3/2005)

would that there were some sterile
well practiced procedure to follow
carefully removing desire
i vote it be called something
resembling hysterectomy
removal of the womb
seat of longing
hysteria so like desire in its fervor
the inexplicable driving us together
and then apart
leaving no clean way to extract 
and discard the pieces of my life
that feel soiled
atrophied by your self righteous rewrites
your anger rings false
sharp notes predicated on
you as victim
which, in turn, rests on a dynamic
of you as sincere
of me as less than
i feel baited and barbed
too foolish to follow good sense and walk away
smugness creeps onto the backs of words
each time i find your references
and how hollow i am standing
in the cold dialing the pay phone
wishing you would appear
i put down the receiver
and disconnect

a toast: the new leaf

here's to forgotten winter
to miles of erasure to a month of dulling the point
that cut us open
to the loss of loss, shuffled out with
busy sweeping steps and late night bus wheels
and bicycling through these wet streets

here's to my smell gone from your lips
my name your lover fading like a dream
i stand with cummings' ghost
my hand outstretched to the winner
accept all happiness from me

here's to no sleep
lying in the dark next to him
my thoughts wrapped around you
and that far gone room
the sweet light on white linens
now changed with the unfurling
sycamore leaves

here's to pocketing a thread
of that space i occupied
to my cells lingering in
corners and cobwebs beneath the bed
i stretch my leg out long against him
and reach back over a month and all the miles
to remember your skin your smile

here's to your skin thrilling to another
to the deep release
spreading across my chest, flaming my cheeks
silently, alone in this wakeful night
i find the way to sleep finally

here's to finding music that you might
be listening to at this very moment
and playing the songs over and over
"i'm in love with your daughter"
here's to the end a beginning and
every syllable of goodbye

narcissus

you take me apart and put me
back together as most myself
lighter than my memory holds
undulant and caring
re-learning words and mirrors and
hours of smiling in your absence
my sweetest narcissus
i fall into looking... your eyes pool


so happily undone
do i pretend surrender
or is it possibly this easy

your laughter draws the answer
anything for you
if only that were truly mine
to offer up
with my reverence my wonder
at the reality of you
so full with each moment

you have got me pregnant with joy

offering, surfacing

tantalizing always
you proffer fingers scented with your sex
or holding crushed herbs
"smell" you whisper

the scents of you are all rich and familiar
earthy spicy sweet pungent
i nuzzle in and breathe deeply
excited and caught
happily, by the nose,
by which you may easily lead me
anywhere

our conversations break windows
in muffled darkened rooms
of my heart
light streams in
shining galaxies in dust motes
the quiet sings
i am laid bare by your glance
and deep colors
resurface

9.29.05

the parking lot of the bus station
looks out past the funeral home
where they presented my mother
with my father's cremains
a slow drizzle falls
the sky is drawn in bold strokes
of more greys than i can fathom
dotted with clouds of birds
moving in swarming circles
so small they look like flies

at the second of three stops
on this impromptu journey home
i listen to thom yorke intone
"everything... in it's right place"
and the mash of horns jam blasting
does little to lessen my gooseflesh
or the purpling beds of my fingernails
i left my jacket back on the couch

the low moving ceiling of clouds
is breaking to reveal eggshell blue
along the northern horizon
i'm in a vulnerable position
and all these storms will pass over

the simple answer

my body pivots at shutdown
exhaustion emptying me
i am awash remembering
the sea deep rhythms of your eyes
which raise wave after wave
in the pit of my stomach
i try to drink my fill
to remain buoyant with the taste
of your mouth
early light and first chill of autumn
fall away in the gold glow of your skin
my compass offers no direction
save what leads back to you
we float waking dreaming
rising again to meet one another
with hips and hands, shoulders, hair, thighs,
reaching over and across
questions without answers
to say, "yes...you."

snapshot - sellwood park, 4.2.06

ravens build a nest high in the firs
spent camellia blossoms litter the ground
in a profusion of pinks
magnolia trees ballance
a million porcelain tea cup blooms
glowing fragile in the sunbreaks

the tide of eyes

i am broken open on the
rocky coast of our desire
new filled with your fingers
your smell clinging
barnacle stubborn
to my mouth inside my nostrils
my breathing washes you
in and out in and out
i am greedy with your breath
as you sleep close
inside you inside me is never
quite close enough
i woke with my head in the
small of your back
your eyes change like tides
i will drown trying to drink
the ocean of you
i offer myself like Shelley
for your storm
take my guts as the
seabirds feast on fish
i am vulnerable stripped
of the hard shell
my mediocre past
sunblasted and burnt through
with your kiss
your heat your hair
i wade into pools of you
up to my breast
unbalanced by the tow of your
longing
foam spent on your shore
i listen to the rush and recess
of you

refuge

my refuge is in my prayers
the one i've been praying in variations
since we met
it gives me some solace some peace
of mind to give this back to god
to lay it down to bow to this gift

Ganesh
Thank you for this time together
for this food and laughter and love
and for the incredible sweetness
it brings to our lives
I give thanks for Emily and Seth
Bless them and keep them safe
may our meals and our time nourish
us and keep us close to you
so that we can offer this
all back to you
It is so good, this life, these loves
So good
I offer it up to you with all my heart


how can i carry this gift
how can i hope to bear
the weight of this joy you bring
it washes along on our tears
sometimes and yet i remember
how lucky i am
to have this great feeling

i love you so fiercely
to do so i risk what i value most
my marriage my long life partnership
there is no map
i have only myself to guide me
my heart points to you
i hope to be greater than not enough
too much in the best ways
i want to make my way and take on
this challenge of huge growth

there is no guide book
in any relationship
always risk always new terrain
you are worth risking because you are
what i value most
i offer my heart
break it i will open wider
close this door
i will sing lullabyes at the keyhole and
wait for your perfume to
drift between the sill and the door

i bow to winter

even as i plan my great escape
i bow deeply to winter
to hardening the slow of blood, sap
and waters to quiet light and
ice floating on the rivers
i bow to the difficulty in remembering
the sun is closer now
when it seems to be so distant a star

i bow to starshine and jet trails
lingering long beneath the moon
to the seeds waiting in darkness
to everything glistening, waiting
i bow to you, lovers, to your warmth
your strong embrace
to your ready laughter and sweet tears

i bow to strange awkward moments
to frustration to dissatisfied customers
leveling oblique criticisms
to the crazy truck driver this morning
doing 70 in the 40
to misunderstandings to feeling understood
to crystalline stillness
i bow to the journey down and in
to Persephone to pomegranate seeds
and the long awaited
return