antiguamente, tuya

you still appear in my dreams
unbidden
our interactions startle me
it's always surprising to see
a picture I took of you on some websites
recuerdo tomar esta fotografía
aunque ahora sí aparecen como un fantasma
de alguien a quien nunca conocí
es tan extraño
todas las líneas se cortan
pero usted permanece en el éter
I can't figure out where to put that...
quizás no es importante después de tanto daño
I digress
my translations can't save this from being awkward
antiguamente,
tuya

© e.e.stanley 6.23.08

Polaroid and Negative

with instant gratification
my face gleams seductive
in a frame of darkness
yet with patient waiting
i have made my being
dissolve into paper light
these views are desirable
bends in perception
the illusion of reality captured
an image frozen quietly
or quick and careless
i am pretending to be a vision of myself
modifying the creation of my memory
i become an apparition
moving like smoke in the street
in every kind of light only
solidifying when the shutter clicks
trying not to see myself
reflected in window glass

© e.e.stanley 8.10.01

a present

the most adult approximation
of childish content
a joy that brings simple tears
our decision small and easy
like baby girl fast friends
flashing our bellies at one another
we agree today foward
to share our juice
i am amazed

© e.e.stanley 9/21/01

magnet poem, untitled

my bed beneath a new boy
from some drunk courage dream
about a thousand red warning lights
still he and i rush to perform
less from passion than the struggle
and pulse of every urge to
be out of and yet near the body

© e.e.stanley

magnet poem, untitled

since my girl gone
tell me who is i to dance with
were she and i never together
only a moment’s white noise
something fragile barely there
stormy under the blood of language
work strong and black hot it
rips through us as if
these nights recalling our sad
rust love could long be over
but wait
is there not
place for my devotion
after the screaming stops will
we ache for one easy summer

© e.e.stanley

magnet poem, for seth

feast on my whispers
you smell body bright
use my legs dancing
work our skin like garments of light
in the sleep pulse symphony
of together music at night

The battle for the heart's content

My lover left for I was too much
And though I tried to phrase it well
Some gentlemen need excuse and such
When faced with truths the heart must tell

Words unspoken at throat’s full brim
Creep back and round envisioned in dream
And bring to night’s long hours some grim
Or lustful fancy and fevered gleam

Thus spoken and my heart did split
And showed a weakening of its fire
Look not to drown in such a pit
Nor lose thy breath beneath the mire
Of words so woeful they do sit
On the heap and kindle of one’s pyre
But find the means to keep it lit
And never allow that light may tire

© e.e.stanley 5/2000

of Satie and Suzanne

my thoughts are scattered 

by your fingers dancing 

over soft minor keys

visions fill me up

pushing aside the day's lists and misspoken gestures

until I find clarity     quiet     sad

all I can see clearly is dance

I feel fluid rushing grace

even as I realize I could not approximate with my body

the dance which fills my mind

whenever I listen to your songs

dancing makes my mind wander

to your great affair

the letters never sent     the stories

things you both might have said

     Did she jump or was she thrown?

   Was it her skill as a trapeze artist that saved her life?

  Was she in the dance these songs orchestrate?

the most cherished beloved

unreachable   absorbed   flying     falling

underwater          or under

a thousand tears she never heard roll down

you sat off to the side

at a corner table perhaps

composing letters     lives     songs

there is nothing so beautiful

born of such a mix of treasures and sorrow

as these slow reveries     these pieces

fitting me together

making me turn on the light again

i am cradled by strange melodies

soothing yet driving me forward

moving my body into grace without my consent

dropping my heart and lifting my stomach

scattering my thoughts and carrying me

smiling from my belly     into the arms of sleep

and I come with arms full of music

instead of holding back or

holding onto yesterday's lists

i hold onto this dream and dance in your arms

          still you wake me in the night

to rise from bed and write your love letters

the ones that play more softly in my mind

as I hear your fingers dancing over keys

the way you would caress her skin shimmering

like a fine web at her wrists and temples showing

like maps of places she's barely seen

you watched the silvery skein of light

falling on her hair

that rich buttery brown cascade

that sways like dancing down stairs

in the gold light of the hallway

i saw her come into the cafe

her satin coat fairly wrung with rain

she melted into the chair

as though it were your embrace

or something she might digest

through each curve and pore

becoming a great marriage of furniture and body

the steam rising from strong tea

playing games curling like vine tendrils

mixing with her fragrant warmth

she was your rich earth     dark and inviting

the inimitable place of full rest

and in the same the threat of being

washed under with the tide

the sea was in the rustle of her dress

and the rolling comfort of her hips as she danced

waves crashing in the rippling smoothness

of her back as she stretched

always she seemed to move off     away

as you sat in the corner watching her

composing countless letters to court her

     a force of the earth

          and when she fell from the window

was it not your heart and stomach in twin convulsions

that leapt to secure your place on the ground

beside her for one last dance?

© e.e.stanley 2000

disappear

and there
i caught the glint of our unraveling
antagonistic phantom
of threadbare love
overwhelming the space
between our words
as we explore our lexicon of
subtle eye movements
breathing
searching

elephant in the room
inserts herself into our present
making it difficult
to navigate
my chafing anger & your tears
your strength & my surrender

you recount the exchange
i hold you. i listen.
and we soften together
choose a new response
for this exasperating invitation
to react
to make scenes
to play movies of who we are
instead of just
being
together

i feel impotent in my desire to protect you
from this absence of tenderness
assaults on your boundaries
an utter failure of compassion

i hold you closer
breathe you in
savor the sweetness of your presence
listen to your quiet voice
as i grow sleepy

and let
her


disappear

last walk

and then one day
all the locust trees on the next block
had turned yellow
my last walk with Henry
along these familiar streets
punctuated by the shush brush
of the first fallen leaves

it was the day you moved most of your things
from the apartment we shared

that day

warm and bright
three weeks after I’d left
to live with others

i got sweaty loading the truck with you
after our shirts were already
wet with our tears
time alone will show the difference
between the shame of giving up
and the greatest gift
we can give one another


letting go

like all the golden leaves now
fallen to the walks

103 degrees

mark the time elapsing
by the changing colors of the light
still revealing your gaze
i savor the evidence of our desire
with my thumbs tracing
a path through sweat salt sheen
down your spine
coming to rest
in the dimples at its base

your mouth
sweet mint and lime
holds mine
a willing captive
the late breeze
around your silhouette
under the eaves
is a teasing offer of respite
i am pliant in the half dark

surrendering

naked

spent

push into my tender places
even my bruises accept your caress

hydrophilic

we push the capability of water's
surface tension to over full
in the container of this night
we add drop by hesitant drop
it holds without spilling
slippery fish you dive
to be obscured in the murk of half sleep
i ride the edges of dreams
swallowing hard
anticipation electric
you shift and set a new charge
pulsing through points
reverberating with caution
between the places we touch
i laugh out loud to break
my own surface of pretend calm
my heart beating fast
every breath and gurgling
amplified in my uncertainty
this rippling dark current of desire
flowing fast around my feet and on
and i find myself
so unexpectedly
wet

nothing else will do

my desire for you comes strong tonight
impatiently
feverish
big
compelling the search for desperate substitutions
some filler to quell hunger growing in my gut
as my cunt balls like a fist grasping for you
the scent of my sex
sends up smoke signal memories
of feasting on you
it takes me off guard
as the weeks wear away
my footing and my resolve to let go
this comes roiling to the surface
with all the force of you slapping me in the face
i feel the sting and the heat and the vague nausea
that clings to the edges of all this
of knowing someone else is loving you
feeling deeply irrefutably
it should be me
your gaze knocks out my knees
the curve of your ass makes me whimper and moan
as does the memory of your biting and teasing
tonight i would do my best to earn your punishments and comforts
fuck me daddy
i'll be your good girl
just please...
fuck me again

searching the photograph

i keep searching the photograph of you
for some message
some way out
you've lost weight
look lean
somewhat diminished
i'm trying to walk away and let it all be
but i return like a participant
to the scene of an accident
yet i'm so desperate to avoid you
to go unseen

you found me out
in my dreams this morning
my only focus and desire to not run into you
and there you came along a hallway
no one around us
the space closed at one end
by a door set with star patterned glass
like the old apartment bathroom
faint light came through the panel
the only illumination in that shrinking space
our heads dropped
i could not look through you or
pass without some exchange
i walked toward the door and you tried to speak
muffled words, half remembered now
acknowledging the awkward circumstance
perhaps
i turned, like a child, to face the corner
and closed my eyes and covered my ears

i can't face you
want to shut this out
to move on but leave all
the hooks and lines unmolested
you catch me
trapped again by your gaze
the thought of you
i am not trying to retrace this
to reenact us
to extend violent ends
but as in hysterisis
the removal of you does not
return me to my previous state

perhaps now it is the idea of you
that i keep close and as anger sifts away
there is still desire
quiet and patient, warm
a pale glow like the light in the window
of that hallway door
going through it leads into unknowns
i want to see you    to have the confrontation
of sharing proximity and breath
not to reach for you but to resolve the hurt
the notion is absurd that i won't find 
further hurt and betrayal
always my weak suit
knowing when to walk away or
whether and why you have

looking into puddles (3/06)

there's a jay rifling through the neighbor's hedges
plenty of worms after the rains
they stretch long on the winding walkways to our door

last night we walked along the edge of the preserve
southwest hills across the water lit up like christmas
with clusters of bright homes
the drone of frogs in the marsh a comforting roar
almost loud enough to push aside my lonely thoughts
we inhaled jasmine vine until i felt high and aroused
another flowering tree smelled so much like grape soda
i had to pick a tiny branch and bring it close & inhale again
before i could believe it was the source of that unlikely fragrance
we peered into giant picture windows and commented on unusual plants
you complained about Henry, who could not for the life of him
settle and stop pulling ahead on his leash
with my wrist still hurting so much after moving
i couldn't manage him long enough to be comfort or help in the matter

i have flashes of thinking this time is just until we get established
that i love you but don't want to be your wife
someone out there must be better suited for that

stones (11/06)

still tumbling
in a wash
of your tears
from nights ago
my excuses
rubbed smooth away
this process
may polish me
help loose the glimmer
of my best intentions
to shine in the contours
of my actions
i am learning
the rolling over
in myself
of want and
to recognize want
and let it (r)evolve
to expose need...
to balance these
with respect

notes from the market (11/06)

the strobe pulse of that faulty flourescent
is the between beat for the singing curve of your ass
sweet music written out on the lines of your shirt
i listen to the shape of your calves under denim
too long hair brushed from your eyes whispers a tremolo chorus
your shoes shuffling snare brushes on concrete
raise gooseflesh up my arms, pianissimo
your laughter is the climax of each day's composition
my movements revolve on your smile
i am blushing trying to keep time and pitch
seeing nothing outside the wash of love's spotlights
on you my conductor
demanding nothing less than my passionate engagement

words rise up (10/05)

words catch me out
panting
curious
folding over and over
finding some way in
they bubble up slowly
til I am bursting
how many times must I look up SAXIFRAGE?
i can't imagine ever having done so and yet
here it comes
sifting through the layers
washing away in the shower
until it surfaces
i am awake after 1 am
still wrapped in my towel
with heavy books across my lap
the night kitchen whirs but offers no tea to soothe


saxifrage
any of numerous plants of the genus saxifraga,
of temperate regions, having small flowers and leaves
often forming a basal rosette
also known as "rock breaking herb" becuase it
grows in rock crevices

no maps (1/06)

there was an instance when,
clean shaven, making love with our girl,
i did not recognize your face
in that moment your countenance upset me
leaning forward, returning my gaze
who is this person? this man?
in my bed, in my lover
i was afraid and then
your features rearranged themselves
your expression
once again familiar terrain
my chest relaxed but found no ease
i have looked at you for years
studied your face while you sleep and
in our waking moments together
i find you there
my beloved, more patient and gentle than i can express
my frustrating young man
my friend with the inappropriate humor,
an easy smile and eyes glinting with mischief
my husband whom i choose to walk this path with
even when the way is uncharted and wild
and there are no maps

oh my love (1999, after M. Cadell)

Oh My Love

you are the fun house mirror
the obsession with innumerable distortions
you are worth your weight in quicksand
the futility of whirlwinds throwing up a dust screen
filling the lungs with a vacuum of screams

(oh my love)
you are the deep heat surfacing with
the swish scratch of heavy bargain priced polyester straight leg slacks and
you are the dank slippery recesses of the fault line
splitting your heart into unnamable land forms
of fine ash and embers, of purposeful destruction
you are the dark excess of a scattered mind
and nobody loves you like I do

(oh my love)
you are all torn away layers
like thick drawing paper, smeared, erased and
in full opposition to the outstretched offering --
a clean sheet.