searching the photograph

i keep searching the photograph of you
for some message
some way out
you've lost weight
look lean
somewhat diminished
i'm trying to walk away and let it all be
but i return like a participant
to the scene of an accident
yet i'm so desperate to avoid you
to go unseen

you found me out
in my dreams this morning
my only focus and desire to not run into you
and there you came along a hallway
no one around us
the space closed at one end
by a door set with star patterned glass
like the old apartment bathroom
faint light came through the panel
the only illumination in that shrinking space
our heads dropped
i could not look through you or
pass without some exchange
i walked toward the door and you tried to speak
muffled words, half remembered now
acknowledging the awkward circumstance
perhaps
i turned, like a child, to face the corner
and closed my eyes and covered my ears

i can't face you
want to shut this out
to move on but leave all
the hooks and lines unmolested
you catch me
trapped again by your gaze
the thought of you
i am not trying to retrace this
to reenact us
to extend violent ends
but as in hysterisis
the removal of you does not
return me to my previous state

perhaps now it is the idea of you
that i keep close and as anger sifts away
there is still desire
quiet and patient, warm
a pale glow like the light in the window
of that hallway door
going through it leads into unknowns
i want to see you    to have the confrontation
of sharing proximity and breath
not to reach for you but to resolve the hurt
the notion is absurd that i won't find 
further hurt and betrayal
always my weak suit
knowing when to walk away or
whether and why you have